


I'll always hold you tight, you'll always love me.

by ilizibeth



Series: Bear with me, it’s gonna be a long night [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Relationships, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, HYDRA Trash Party, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Tony Stark, M/M, Multi, Off-screen Relationship(s), off-screen slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2019-08-04 11:21:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16345742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilizibeth/pseuds/ilizibeth
Summary: Tony Stark is a scared kid being pushed into grown up worlds he does not understand, he thinks he could understand but nobody ever explains it to him. ill equipped to deal with the situation he is in, respite is found underneath his bed through the patient ear of his best friend.No matter how old tony gets he can't find a better place for safety than under his bed with his friend in his arms.





	1. Barely old enough, and so very far away (tony, age 6)

Tony is six years old, he doesn’t think that means he’s big enough for boarding school, but his cheek is still stinging from saying that thought aloud near his father, so he figures he’s going to have to be big enough. That doesn’t mean he isn’t still crying, but he figured out his tears don’t count for much along time ago. Bucky cares, or at least Bucky doesn’t yell at him for showing emotion. Granted his Bucky Bear can’t yell at him for anything, but that might be the best thing about him, except maybe the hugs. Either way Bucky listens when tony cries into his fur “the school is really far away but I have to go.” Tony can tell him anything “they’re making me.”

That’s why Bucky ends up hidden in the bags Ana packed for him because tony doesn’t know what boarding school is going to be like, but things are always better when Bucky is with him. 

It’s three months into boarding school before he realises he was wrong. Tony gets the highest marks in the year for his winter exams, he’s ecstatic to finally have some good news to tell Bucky, but as he’s sitting in his dorm room Justin Hammer comes in. Justin hammer is seven years older than Tony but they’re the same grade. Justin’s tall and gangly but Tony is small even for a six year old so looking at Justin looming over him and Bucky strains his neck, “wow,” Justin claps slowly “the great genius tony stark, and he’s sitting playing with kids toys” Justin who used to be a straight B student has dropped to C’s this year. Tony’s confused because both of them are kids, but it doesn’t matter because Bucky’s gone.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to take people’s things with out asking,” Tony protests lightly and cautiously, very aware the effect similar comments have had on his father in the past. “oh really,” Justin says still holding Bucky “well I guess if you’re going to give me helpful advice I’ll return the favour. You’re not supposed to throw the fucking curve!” Justin mocks as he pulls hard on Bucky, Tony can only watch as his Bucky has his right arm torn from his body. Justin throws Bucky to the ground and grinds the heel of his shoe into him “Welcome to the real world, try not to be such a little baby or next time it won’t be your stupid toys that I break.” 

Tony manages to fix Bucky, but it doesn’t stop. Half the school calls him a baby. Even if he knows some of the older girls are doing it to coo over him, he can’t escape it and nobody wants to be friends with a baby. Except Bucky, Tony wonders for a moment if maybe he should hide his Bucky Bear away but that never would have stopped Howard, so he decided to appreciate that at least he has Bucky. It’s still worse at home than in school so Tony isn’t too worried about the unimaginative insults thrown at him in the halls. It does make him wonder if it really is his fault, that all of these people hate him. He is the only common denominator between them.

Still when he cries on his unfamiliar bed in his far too big school sweatshirt because people are cruel because a six year old is smarter than them and they don’t understand that Tony doesn’t want to be here. Bucky is there. Bucky gets it. Bucky misses Jarvis’s warm hugs and Ana’s forehead kisses and sugar cookies too.

https://ilizibeth.tumblr.com/image/179223887704


	2. best and only friend? (tony age 11-17)

Tony thinks he has another friend at the summer camp his dad sends him to so he “won’t have to deal with the brat whining,”, other than Bucky of course, when he meets Melinda Warren she’s older than he is but she has nice blond hair and a pretty smile and she always gets cool colours on her braces. He helps her with her summer homework but when her friends laugh at her for being around him she calls him names and says she was just using him for the homework. Bucky is there for tony to press his face into in the sweltering hot cabin, as the tears run quietly down his cheeks.

Tony makes a real friend at M.I.T. James “call me Rhodey,” Rhodes is very smart and his first name is James like Bucky. Rhodey doesn’t call Tony a baby or say he’s only here because he’s a Stark. Tony tells Bucky about him the night after they meet his voice full of hope and wonder that somebody likes him that doesn’t have to, not like Ana and Jarvis who get paid to look after him, or Aunt Peggy who was made his god mother. Instead “Rhodey’s like you, he actually likes me! But don’t worry we’re still best friends Bucky.” He likes school he can’t talk to Bucky at home anymore, because his dad says he’s to old for toys. He doesn’t understand he’s only eleven.

Tony learns the difference quickly between people who like him and people who want something from him, Tony wouldn’t mind giving them what they want if they actually stayed around afterward. He still does what he can to help Rhodey out, but given his only other friend is a teddy bear he’s not very good at it yet. That’s when he builds dum-e he wants to know if dum-e will understand people better than he does. What actually ends up happing is that Tony has taken the making part of making a new friend very literally.

He does figure out that it’s okay to do things for Rhodey, not just because he likes doing things for Rhodey, everytime he fixes something for him like his laptop or his phone or the toaster, Rhodey’s mama sends him cookies as a thank you. Tony’s old enough to know that Rhodey’s family wouldn’t be able to afford new tech for him, and that Rhodey would never accept a laptop if it were a gift, but he doesn’t want his friend to have to worry. This solution is best for both of them. Rhodey likes him without him helping out, not that Rhodey isn’t still grateful on one notable occasion Rhodey lifted tony up when he hugged him, just like Jarvis does with his hugs, when Tony retrieved a 10,000 word document Rhodey forgot to save. Bucky agreed that anyone even a little bit like Jarvis has got to be a good person.

Tony meets Sunset Bain when he’s thirteen she manages to trick him into believing she’s his friend. His father has her kicked out of M.I.T. for stealing from him. Tony is shaking underneath his bed the hard floor making his shoulder ache as he tells Bucky about the other grown-up things she made him do. His eye’s are still red the next morning.

In the intervening years tony makes two more friends Hope Van Dyne, a biochemistry major with silky and soft brown hair, Tony knows because he’s the one who braids it for her. She says they have to be secret friends because their dads hate each other, which is fine because Bucky is a secret friend and tony loves Bucky. And Carol Danvers carol is two years older than Rhodey, and he’s smitten, tony worried she only talked to him because of Rhodey but she’s nice to tony for real and not just cause he’s Rhodey’s roommate. So tony thinks it’s fine for his sour patch to crush on her, cause she’s pretty, and nice, and she smells good. Bucky agrees when tony tells him this, so tony is able to stop worrying about carol. 

Tony graduates MIT at sixteen with a doctorate, two master’s degrees, three bachelor’s degrees, and 5 friends. Which is four more than he started with, so he thinks he’s doing okay, three of them are even human. 

As tony goes home from M.I.T he doesn’t worry that he’ll never see his people friend again. Hope and he are going for brunch next Saturday, in a little bakery that a friend of hers owns they let them eat while the store is closed for lunch, so nobody sees them. He and rhodey will see each other in three months when he gets his first bout of leave, and carol and he have set up a book swap, where he mails her a copy of a book and gets the same one for himself they both write in the margins then swap to read what the other thought. They’ve been doing this every couple of months since she deployed, and they both love it.

Tony tells aunt Peggy where he thinks Captain Americas plane should be when he finds her crying on the anniversary of its disappearance. Two weeks later Howard stark digs captain America out of the ice instead of attending his graduation. James Buchannan Barnes returns in the flesh (not the fur) seven months later. Tony’s Bucky is under his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Rhodey aren't best friends in this fight me. Rhodey is his second best friend though, and he loves his gumdrop very much. thanks for reading love liz <3
> 
> back ground info  
> Rhodey is seven years older than Tony. Rhodey graduates with 2 degrees one in physics and one in aeronautical engineering which he is able to skip a year of because he already has physics, and a generous anonymous donor funded a scholarship for him (wink wink) 
> 
> carol is three years older than Rhodey.
> 
> Howard takes all the credit for finding steve, because he's awful.
> 
> https://ilizibeth.tumblr.com/post/179356710144/httpsarchiveofourownorgworks16345742chapters


	3. America the beautiful (tony 16-17)

Tony does not like Steve, sure he loves Captain America and has done since he was, well since forever. But he does not like Steve. 

When Steve walks into the waiting room where Aunt Peggy and he are waiting with a few other S.H.I.E.L.D agents Peggy cries, Tony is really confused because he thought she’d be happy, but then he realises she is. She’s so happy to see Steve that she’s crying tears of joy.

In that moment Tony realises he’s lost her. 

Tony lived his whole life being compared to Captain America and falling short, but that was Howard, Howard who is cruel and capricious and has never told his son that he love’s him, never said that he like’s him, never even shown the smallest amount of kindness. Peggy kisses his cheeks, calls him her darling boy, and says I love you as easy as often as her eyeliner is perfect (that is to say every time Tony can remember seeing her since the day he was born.) but Peggy loves Steve and while she would never compare Tony to a dead man, he’s right here in technicolour and Tony knows he just knows he doesn’t and could never measure up.

He knows it isn’t Steve’s fault, Steve himself is kind if aloof, he greets Tony when he comes into a room and follows all the other pleasantries of polite society, but nothing further. It doesn’t help that he’s nice though it makes Tony’s hatred feel so much more unjustified. If Steve were just a little less perfect he could say he doesn’t like him because he’s flawed’ but no the only thing that Steve has ever done wrong was fall in love with Peggy Carter and well it’s Peggy Carter she’s the coolest person on the whole entire earth, so he’s not really to blame. 

Tony is very glad that Steve has moved into the mansion because at least he’ll get to see aunt Peggy when she comes to visit him. It’ll hurt when she ignores him but at least Tony will know she’s alright when she comes home from her missions.

Tony as it turns out is wrong when Peggy comes to visit Steve to discuss grown up stuff (which turns out to be the resurgence of hydra as tony discovers later) he gets swept up in her arms and kissed on his cheeks and forehead. He is then sat beside Aunt Peggy on the couch as she regales Steve with everything good Tony has ever done ever and he has never hear so many positive adjectives in his life, by the time he’s dismissed his olive skin is bright red and he’s close to combusting from embarrassment, but as he runs to his room to hide one thing is very clear Aunt Peggy still loves him very much.

Tony of course dives under his bed grabs Bucky and presses him so tight to his chest they may spontaneously absorb one another to become one single being, rolling on to his back Tony kicks his legs back and forth in tiny arcs to dispel some of his energy. Finally he stills, gasps and breaths “it’s gonna be okay Bucky,” when he comes back downstairs to bid farewell to Peggy his cheeks hurt from smiling and Bucky has been thoroughly informed of the events that have just occurred.

His regard for Steve has much improved, and now Steve will tussle his hair if they bump into each other in the hallway instead of backing away hastily.Steve goes on a mission, and to Tony’s surprise Tony misses him.

He destroys hydra and returns with a brooding former assassin in the shape of one James Buchannan Barnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was not gonna be a chapter but then some one messaged that it'd be interesting to see what Steve affect is on Howard not gonna lie i wanted to get to James and Tony content so I was just gonna hand wave the whole tony and steve thing, because i figure Steve would be weird around Howard's kid. which he is.
> 
> by the way because of the time after bucky's fall and this time Steve is 30ish, and bucky will be in his early twenties physically. because it's my story and I do what I want. jk please validate me, thank you for reading <3 love liz


	4. tinker, tailor, soldier, social anxiety (tony 18)

The first few weeks Barnes spends in the facility are tense Tony and he avoid each other supremely well. Not out of any particular dislike it’s just that Tony’s ingrained precaution to new people and Bucky’s own particular fears of losing control do not make for a fast friendship. Besides Bucky has enough reservations about Howard who has gained a sharpness to him, the same sort of gleam that the scientists at hydra had when they saw the technological marvel that came with the winter soldier. Sufficed to say after an initial check over by Howard that had Bucky gritting his teeth though the examination and suffering some of the worst nightmares he’s ever has for a week after, arm mantianace is not a priority. 

Then two months after his return a plate on Barnes’ arm gets jammed and he’s ushered down to Howard’s lab for maintenance by captain boy scout. Although, Bucky loves Stevie with all his heart sometimes he really would like to punch that punk. As Bucky is reluctantly dragged down to the labs despite his pleas that “it’ll keep Stevie,” and “Howard’s probably not gonna have the time,” he realises that the only way to get out of this situation would be to have serious conversation with Steve about feelings and trauma, which would probably be worse that torture so he steels himself for what’s to come.

Bucky had thought that the eighteen year old stark was just like his father but seeing him elbow deep in a project covered in grease with a look of absolute concentration of his face hammers it home, that is until the illusion is shattered as a clumsy looking robot wheels over to tony and his face lights up with the most blinding smile Bucky has ever seen.

Whilst he knows Howard is good at what he does, the memories he has of the Howlies have brief cameos of a genius inventor who was unfortunately all too aware that he was a genius, he finds he has no memories of Howard showing such wonder at the things he created, whereas the wonder etched on to Tony’s face is both blindingly obvious and blindingly beautiful. When Tony affectionately pats the robot, takes the screw driver from its claw, and throws it as the robot wheels after, Bucky loses faith in his hearts ability to self-regulate and decides he’s gotta’ get this kid to stop being scared of him.

The main issue with that is he doesn’t actually know what it was that he did to make Tony scared but the Tony’s jumpy around him and refuses to be within 3 feet of him if he can help it, and as much as it makes him a shitty person Bucky is glad when he realises Tony’s not gonna be able to help it soon enough. 

Howard is clearly absent from the lab and Stevie has declared an unnecessary state of emergency for Bucky’s mishap. Bucky knows better than anyone that nothings gonna stop Steve on a mission “tony thank goodness you’re here, you’ve gotta’ fix Buck’s arm” Steve rushes the words out, tony to his merit isn’t annoyed by the demand, he looks more like he’s confused as he replies “but, um my dad usually, well that’s, I mean, are you sure you want me to do it?” Bucky decides he can field this one himself “ yeah ‘course we’re sure kid, it’s a quick fix shouldn’t take you more ‘an 30 minutes, less’ you don’t got the time that is?” tony reluctantly agrees and the nervous stuttering disappears as spends a total of five minutes cooing over the arm while he fixes it, and it is the most adorable thing Bucky’s seen in his life and the quickest and most painless repair he’s ever had done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for reading! xoxo  
> <3 love liz


	5. i just wanna run running away running cause your making me feel (tony 18)

Tony is used to hiding from people in his own home but usually that means Howard. Steve (as he’s insisted he be called) doesn’t talk to Tony much more than a casual greeting here and there, which is fine by Tony although he knows that the captain wouldn’t hurt him just being in the presence of Steve’s intimidating physique makes tony want to run for the hills, his bestie Barnes on the other hand avoids Tony for months, tony doesn’t take it personally he knows that he’s not alone in being avoided Barnes’s aversion seems to be to people in general rather than anyone in particular.

It isn’t long however before he suddenly takes an unnerving interest in tony. Tony of course hides because when people are interested in him they usually want something, and Tony doesn’t think he could handle the awkwardness (or the pain) of living with any of the other people who wanted something from him then discarded him when they got it.

Tony thinks the Sargent might just want arm mantianace, which tony would be happy to provide but given the arm is currently fully functioning Barnes’s interest is inexplicable and just ends up setting tony on edge.

Tony also thinks talking to his Bucky bear seems a little weird with his flesh and bone counter part just down the hall, in consideration of this Tony decides that he just won’t talk to his Bucky, at least not every night maybe just once a week, he’s only human after all. Tony manages to abstain for all of ten minutes before he’s hiding under his bed with Bucky, his and Carol’s book, a pen, and a flash light like he’s done every night since he came home from school. Tony keeps himself busy even without school, he video calls Rhodey, codes his AI project, and talks with Jarvis, because it’s fun because he enjoys it. Howard makes him design weapons and Bucky doesn’t judge him when he cries because he hates it, hates Howard, hates himself. Suffice to say tony has never understood the path his been put on.

But despite his initial unease he is beginning to trust Barnes, his following of tony is consistently benign and with only being able to see have of his friend very occasionally Tony is lonely, he also figures that Bucky is never not going to need help with his arm so even in getting what he wants from tony he won’t actually be satisfied by the results, not because Tony’s workmanship is flawed but because the arm will constantly undergo wear and tear especially if the grappling Tony walked in on between Bucky and Steve is a regular occurrence.   
It just so happens that the film rails barely capture how funny Bucky actually is, and there are days when he talks to Tony about all the wonderful things in the future. Medicine and computers and clean energy and all the other things tony so sorely wants to explore and make but isn’t allowed to. Bucky insists that tony work on his arm, even when he’s given the option of Howard. He tells Howard it’s because theirs no way he could mistake a kid for a hydra scientist, but later in hushed tones he tells tony it is because he’s “way better at it than your old man,” when Tony tells Bucky bear he’s almost breathless.

Captain America starts saying more than a passing hello to him now too allowing Tony to sit with him and recommend movies and essential reading and all the ‘fun stuff’ he missed doing time as a capsicle, Tony is very content to oblige his childhood hero. In fact Tony’s never been happier. 

 

Then his mom and dad die in a car crash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummm sorry the well there is no good news it's down hill from here there's going to be angst angst and more angst. there will be a happy ending eventually maybe i'm working on it. thanks for reading love liz<3 (happy halloween mwahahaha)


	6. it hurts to much to bear

Bucky’s fur is tear soaked for weeks and his room door is locked to everyone but Jarvis and tony just can’t he tried talking to people, but they kept asking “are you okay?” is he okay, like he’s ever going to be okay again. Like there’s anyway to come back from losing your parents right on the cusp of adulthood, tony may be 18 but he is so very young, and he can’t imagine that anyone is ever old enough for this kind of pain. He doesn’t believe there could be anyone wise enough to just get over being orphaned.

Bucky doesn’t ask if he’s okay neither of them do, but Bucky bear is the one he ends up telling the answer to anyway. He tells him how relieved he was when he heard Howard was dead, about the cold rush of tranquillity that washed over his bones, how in that moment he knew he was free of ever being beaten again. He tells him how devastatingly guiltly he felt when he found out his mom was in the car too and though the EMTs did their best she didn’t make it. 

He told his teddy bear everything about Barnes and the happiness he was developing how he was obviously too happy and that’s why his parents died, he tells him about what he let sunset make him to both to the company and his own far to young body, he tells him with shaking voice everything that his father ever told him was wrong with him as the blows hit, and every other sin that he’s ever committed. By the time he’s done Tony proves if only to himself and a Teddy bear that will love him regardless that it is absolutely his fault that his parents are dead. 

Afterward he’s not absolved but at least he’s confessed. The weight on his chest eases a little as his presses Bucky into it, curled tight around his bear he finally succumbs to his bone deep exhaustion.

Bucky sits outside the room of an orphaned tony stark periodically for weeks. He listens to him cry and cry and cry. Then he hears a quiet “Bucky,” and he thinks he’s been found out, but the conversation continues and his heart breaks and breaks until he’s sure there’s nothing left in his chest but dust as Tony bears his soul. He forgets to wonder why Tony is addressing him Steve finds him three hours later still crying in the gym having gone through 8 apparently super soldier proof punching bags.

A week later Rhodey shows up and Bucky watches as tony smiles small smiles instead of his usual blinding grins and pealing laughter, Bucky cries in his room every night that week. Wishing he could do something anything, to allow the little boy that never knew the love of a parent to let himself be angry. Because no one deserves what that kid has gone though and if Howard were still here James would take the utmost pleasure in reducing the rat bastard to a simpering pile of mush, and watching as he begged the little boy he betrayed to save him. 

Bucky doesn’t think he’s ever felt as much rage as the anger that burned through him as Tony talked about all the betrayal and despicable things that people have done to this child. This kid who is not only a remarkably strong individual but who is so good and so pure, who comes through trauma and wants to be better to others than they have ever been to him. This kid who’s filled with so much love for the world and every one in it that it sings in his every smile. But Tony doesn’t smile now. And Bucky would tear this world apart for him if he only asked.

He knows that isn’t what tony needs though so he stands to the side and observes trying to figure out how to help in this impossible situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i made a pun in the title i'm sad i need a hug so does Tony 
> 
> the next chapter will be bucky centric and very violent  
> Bucky has a lot of anger because there is a lot of injustice in the world and a disproportionate amount of it falls on Tony and Bucky


	7. I want to drink the honey blood (rated R for gratuitous violence)

Steve doesn’t know why Bucky’s upset but when he finds him in the gym crying like he’s never seen him cry before, the stuffing of several punching bags is lying on the floor around him fleetingly Steve thinks it looking like he’s the one falling apart not the punching bags. Well a lot of the gals he used to go with called Bucky a teddy bear, the image might make him laugh under different circumstances instead he makes his way to Bucky and holds out a hand to pull him to his feet. The exchange is wordless and as Steve watches Bucky move through the gym he feels lost he’s been slowly finding joy since he woke up recovering from his displacement in time and learning not to dwell on the sadness of the past but he finds sadness everywhere he looks now and he has no idea how to fix any of it. 

When Buck returns, hair tied back and fire in his eyes. Steve follows him to battle for the first time in his life, instead of the other way around. The jet is eerily quiet as they make there way to a possible hydra base, as they approach the heat signatures confirm their suspicions. When they land Steve finally sees why the Winter soldier is so feared and revered among the most dangerous people in the world. 

 

Bucky’s vision is reddening around the edges he knows that he only way he can clear it is by spilling red over his hands, so he does. There’s a guard in the tree line, James slits his throat and watches as the blood spills over his hands and listens to the agents last breaths bubbling through his blood. 

Next mission is two close together both equipped with a radios, so James uses quiet a hand on the chin and back of the head, a hundred and twenty pounds of torque and snap. it's instantaneous and far better than any hydra scum deserve. 

Sniper in the tree. Garroted. Wheezing as he falls from his perch, not to difficult to kill he was too much of an amateur to see captain America breaking in to the base, he’s hardly going to see the winter soldier when he doesn’t want to be seen. Not that anyone could.

James guts a scientist, or what hydra calls a scientist, splitting his torso from his bellybutton to clavicle, a handler he recognises has his heart ripped out through his throat it’s still pulsing as it drops from his hand the splash of the blood hits James lips.

The red lights flash as the agents descend twelve of them all trying to take him alive, there are no bullets flying. Yasha kicks an agent in the head hard enough to send teeth flying as another is used as a shield against tranquilliser darts the dosage meant for a super soldier kills him instantly, unfortunately he doesn’t suffer which makes Yasha sad, but he kills one by turning his ribs into shrapnel in his lungs, the desperate screams restore Yasha’s mood.

Some he just stabs which is a little satisfying but there’s no grace in it, no finesse. He can do better and he does the final remaining piece of hydra scum in the team is a coward one who will die in his own filth, Yasha stabs him a little but then he uses his hands to tear him apart bones and blood and guts he looks like a wild animal has attacked him, well it isn’t far off.

The next agent he intends to snap the neck but ends up tearing it clean off, the fountain of blood is sweet, it tastes like victory. The remaining scum not wiped out by Steve are all scientists Winter hopes they learn something as he kills them, perhaps the error of their ways, it’s doubtful. 

Bucky returns to the mansion reborn, baptised in the blood of those that unmade him. Steve is scared, but when Bucky claps his shoulder for that second he looks in those eyes and it’s so unmistakably his Bucky. Steve knows that Bucky will never be the same as he was in the 40’s but he thinks for the first time he may not be completely lost to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened this is very dark but some Steve perspective, yay? there's definitely gonna be a dichotomy to bucky in this and as much as i love fics where the winter solider is a seperate entity in this I'm just going to be harnessing Bucky's own darkness in sort of a rightous anger sort of way i guess? it'll be as much of a surprise to me as it is to you
> 
> thanks for reading love liz c:


	8. tender lovin' care bear

It’s months before tony starts speaking to people again but little by little he does he’s far less bubbly, but the smiles are real, and that’s more than anyone would have hoped. Bucky wants to tell him he’s the strongest person he’s ever met but he can’t let tony know he was listening. So, he makes Sarah Rogers’ famous apple pie and takes it to Tony. Then he makes cookies then, well then it escalates. 

Soon enough Bucky is taking Tony’s meals to him and bringing him snacks when he’s still awake at four in the morning gently reminding him of the time rather than scooping him up and carrying him to bed as he would like.

On one occasion however, Tony falls asleep in the lab dark lashes fanning over his cheeks as his head lays on the cold metal of the work bench his brown curls fall over his face, it’s obvious from the just a shade too big for him sleep wear that Tony has already been sent to bed this evening, but for once Bucky’s mother hen instincts are out voted by the selfish part of him that is so happy to see Tony like this beautiful, peaceful, and vulnerable. 

As he carefully scoops Tony into his arms he feels him lean into his chest, it is the most exquisite torture Bucky has ever been on the receiving end of, as he valiantly suppresses a full body shudder as Tony’s warm breath hits his chest he feels soft curls brush his collar bone. 

Eventually they do make it to Tony’s room and Bucky is able to place tony on to the mattress and tuck the warm covers around him, he briefly wonders why the bed was so impeccably made but there are blankets on the floor, but all thoughts immediately leave his head as Tony makes a soft hum in his sleep, and Bucky may as well have an error 404 sign on his forehead as his brain has shut down all but the necessary functions for survival.

As he stares at the sleeping form of the young genius, his lungs deflate, and he feels a pulse through his heart and the tension rises behind his eyes. Seeing Tony here he’s so beautiful but that’s not what takes Bucky’s breath from him, it’s that Tony is lying here looking so fragile but knowing how very strong he actually is Bucky breaks to know that anyone could look at Tony and not see something precious that should be protected, for Howard to have taken the most precious reality of his life and, have tried to destroy it. Harm his own son, that is a more devastating tragedy than Bucky can handle, and while Bucky has never cried for himself. He weeps for Tony now. The tears run down his cheeks and he fights the urge to run his hand through the soft curls that fall over Tony’s face. He pushes himself from the room and just sits outside until it’s suddenly morning and Jarvis is placing a gentle hand on his shoulder with a quiet reassurance “the young master will be alright sargent.”

Three months in and Stevie catches on and starts teasing Bucky about his crush. A week later Peggy carter makes fire and brimstone look like a good option and hydra seem like a cake walk, until she sees the look in his eyes as he takes dinner off the stove and decides “it’s about time that somebody took care of my darling boy” Jarvis supports him from the get go having been “unable to get the young master to consume an appropriate amount of food for growth.” but he still eyes Bucky carefully from time to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter might give you whiplash welcome to the dichotomy of man
> 
> thanks for reading love liz x.x


	9. blood and family are not synonyms

Tony misses his parents he doesn’t know why, logically it makes no sense Howard never did anything good for his son and probably shouldn’t have been a parent in the first place, and his mother was mostly detached from his life to the extent that she may as well have been an acquaintance of his parents rather than one of them. Clearly neither of them would have won parent of the year. Still tony misses them. But it’s getting better he has Jarvis, and his primary father figure remains just as constant as ever.

Barnes has begun bringing him food and he’s fairly certain he’s the one that carried him to his bed when he fell asleep in the lab. Obie is acting as CEO of stark industries even though tony has to design many more weapons than before, he now has a freighting efficient personal assistant in Virginia “pepper,” Potts, a spit fire of a woman who charged into his life and office after her now former boss told her to “take it to the boss if your so sure, see how fast you get thrown out on your ass,” when she found a calculation error. She was right of course. She keeps him on track and recognises when he’s being difficult for the sake of it and when he’s just scared to be seen being serious about saying no.

His human friends have come to visit first Rhodey who scoops him up in his arms and tells him that he’s here, it reassuring that no matter how big tony gets, Rhodey just gets proportionately stronger so he’s never struggled lifting Tony up, Tony doesn’t care that he’s to old to be manhandled at this stage of his life. Not when Rhodey’s arms around him are the only things holding him together.

Then carol, who comes with soft whispers as she cards her fingers through his curls and Tony’s soul begins to stitch itself back together. Tony lays his head on her lap as she reads to him it makes him feel small and safe, two things that have not tended to go hand in hand for him before now.

And then Hope who doesn’t mention it. She’s just there like a normal friend coming to visit and tony couldn’t be more grateful for the respite from thinking about it. All tony seems to do these days is think, cry, and forget to take care of himself.

In the spirt of thinking, Tony wonders if he can count more than 5 friends now. Bucky might count probably. Maybe Steve. Pepper isn’t quite his friend yet but, she’s the only one who didn’t know him before, well before. So, she doesn’t look at him like he’s broken like everyone else does, that alone makes her a miracle a veritable God send, one tony knows he doesn’t deserve.

Well actually, everyone except maybe the Bucky’s, Barnes is less insistent in attaining Tony’s company, giving him more space than before seeking Tony’s attention only when Tony is in the communal areas or up too late in the lab and Tony very rarely has to worry about being caught off guard in the corridors anymore. Bucky bear is, as always, the perfect confidant and comfort. 

Tony appreciates that his bear doesn’t judge him because he’s starting to get mad at his parents, mostly his mother, thoughts of Howard leave him numb and raw, which isn’t surprising given that the man himself often made Tony’s skin feel the same after a drink or two. His mother died, and he knows it’s not her fault that she died that not why he’s angry, but he wants an explanation, wants to know why they had a child they didn’t want, and now he’s never going to know the answers, because the one person who could give him answers he could trust rather than speculation is dead.

Maybe that’s what he misses not the mother he never knew and would probably have been better off without, but the opportunity for some sort of resolution to the questions that have plagued him since he was old enough to fathom them into existence or, maybe, maybe they’re his parents and he loves them even if they don’t deserve it. Even if they hurt him or ignored his pain and turned they’re backs to him, even if loving the monster that haunts his unconscious mind makes no sense maybe he just does. You don’t get to choose if someone loves you, Tony figured that out many years ago but it would seem that you can’t control love at all not even to deny your own to those unworthy of it.


	10. stages of grief and strength of will

It’s Denial is what Tony felt when he heard that Maria died on the way to the hospital, but he skips anger and moves straight to bargaining when Obi places his hand on his shoulder, his mind races with thoughts, promises that he’ll do better, be better, be the son she deserves, one worthy of her attention if she’ll just be here to see him do it. 

Depression hits harder than Tony’s young mind is truly able to comprehend, it makes him feel weak and he isn’t old enough to how truly strong he is. He is briefly angry at his parents for abandoning him acceptance comes when he realises that they abandoned him the moment the wet nurses first pay check was signed, sealed, and delivered. 

That’s not his anger stage. Of course, tony doesn’t realise it nobody else does as they watch him slowly come back to himself. He gets back to work and appears to the public like he is moving onwards and upwards. His friends see more gentle progress but it’s still progress. 

The real anger stage comes as he watches uncle Obi being loaded into the back of a police car for the murder of Howard and Maria stark. The autopsy showed a shocking lack of alcohol in Howards blood stream, but the cars analysis showed a severed brake line and several of Obadiah's fingerprints. 

Stane killed his parents Tony’s eyes swing between focused and unfocused rapidly at the revelation. Then just like the cold rush of relief the overcame him at the news of Howard’s death, newtons third law comes into effect and burning hot rage seeps into his bones. Tony hires the best lawyers the Stark money can buy and he begins to tear Stane’s life apart. First the court case is prepared. Next his assets are siezed as tony finds every underhanded dealing that has ever occurred at Stanes signature now Stane is not only on trial for murder but treason too with irrefutable evidence. Stane gets multiple life time sentences with no hope of perol. 

Tony gets control of stark industries at 19 instead of 21 he immediately decimates it’s legacy of blood, the weapons manufacturing is shut down all contracts with the military are relegated to body armour and non-lethal tech. Tony’s intimate knowledge of bombs is used to make devices that defuse them, they gain better contracts than the ones they had before. 

Stark industries start making tech for the general public phones, laptops, software heck Tony gets bored in a board meeting and codes a captain america video game (that Steve does the graphics design for). Tony revolutionises the clean energy field, stark industries becomes the name in clean energy. Tony is heralded as the greatest mind of the generation by the newspapers and Howard stark becomes nothing more than a footnote in Tony’s legacy. Tony takes Stark industries from a multi million dollar company to a multi billion dollar company in a matter of months. 

Tony comes home to family every night, aunt Peggy moves into the tower, Rhodey is in temporary residence while on leave as is Carol tony loves when the two co-inside because there is very little that brings him as much joy as a flustered Rhodey, and as always Jarvis and Ana now having moved into the main body of the house leaving the staff wing which Tony happy converts into common rooms where his family can lounge devoid of the high backed chairs and expectations of perfect etiquette that permeated the house before, and the resident super soldiers are now able to make themselves useful in between missions with redecorating. 

Every time tony comes home he ends up with his head in someone's lap and Jarvis and Bucky are now in cahoots in their efforts to get him to eat and sleep Tony finds himself minding less and less. Especially when Bucky gives him smiles when he wanders into the kitchen himself. 

Tony starts sleeping in his bed finding that his new work schedule requires more than a hard floor but so does Bucky Bear so it’s not exactly a hardship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading love liz x.x


	11. galas bring out Tony's galaxy mind (tony, 19)

“Bucky’s eyes are really blue. Human Bucky yours are black.” Bucky Bear hears a lot of random comments about his human counterpart, it’s strange with so many people who care about tony living in this house he finds himself talking to his bear less and less but still as he wanders around his room trying on different suits for a charity gala he’s obligated to attend Tony finds himself sharing random thoughts with his Bucky bear. He opts for a classy navy suit with pale blue accents. 

Tony leaves his room and has his perfectly straight tie fixed by Ana as he shares an exasperated look with Jarvis over her shoulder, he spots his date for the evening and her other two dates sitting in the day room aunt Peggy looks stunning in her floor length ball gown a beautiful blue number with black lace detailing and he makes sure to tell her as such as he walks over and kisses her cheek. 

She smiles indulgently at his antics “and I've another beautifully turned out date, darling you look so handsome in that suit.” Tony quips “maybe together we’ll add up to a date worthy of you, no offense guys,” and gets a laugh from everyone. Jarvis motions for them to walk through to the garage, and they make idle chit chat Bucky remains somewhat quiet in the car, but it’s hardly noticeable as they soon arrive at the VA gala. 

Inside the hall is wonderfully decorated, their table includes a lot of shield people that tony doesn’t know but there’s a couple of the Howlies that Tony knows a little bit for him to have some good conversation with. 

The dinner is fantastic and Tony dances with a lot of people and makes several good contacts with retiring military personnel that will have jobs waiting for them when they’ve finished with their enlistment. 

Bucky comes over to him in the middle of a particularly dreadful conversation with Justin Hammer who’s trying to make nice now that Tony is rich and powerful. Tony takes the excuse gratefully and then as Bucky grabs hors d’oeuvres with his right hand Tony breaks into uncontrollable giggles, he suddenly realises that Justin Hammer ripped the same arm of his bucky bear as the arm the actual Bucky Barnes lost during his hydra years.

When Tony regains control of his senses he realises that that is kind of an inappropriate thing to laugh about and short circuits because he doesn’t make prosthetics and he absolutely should be making prosthetics. Bucky’s hands are on his face and Tony hasn’t been answering him clearly. Tony manages to stutter out an “I’m fine, yeah sorry, fine sorry” as his brain trying to process the cool metal and warm flesh touching his cheeks. Those eyes really are blue. 

Under normal circumstances tony would race down to his lab after the gala to get the swirling mass of ideas for prosthetic innovations out of his head and down on blueprints, but his head is filled with cotton, his ears are ringing and he’s only just barely managed to get through the last of the gala on auto pilot so, for quite possibly the first time in his life he goes straight to bed, no lab, no reading under the bed instead he just lies in bed staring at the ceiling. 

He whispers to his best friend in the dark on what should have been a wholly unremarkable night, but isn’t at all “I think I like him..."


	12. movie night tactical maneuvers

James just has to get through one day without embarrassing himself over this stupid childish crush, especially given he lives with tony breathing deeply and trying to draw on every ounce of decorum the military drummed into him he opens the cinema room door, and it’s empty. 

Okay great just, perfect there’s gonna be a movie night tonight and if he chooses just the right seat he might actually be able to flirt, well he won’t be able to but the option of flirting will exist. And there’s a much greater possibility of a certain sleepy head falling on to his shoulders. OK no rational thoughts not the arm chair but Steve will sit there so that’s good, Steves delicate forties sensibilities will actually work in his favour tonight, the three seater will be a cuddle pile which means the love seat will be the only other seat with a decent view of the screen. 

That is the seat James takes, it leaves the other less good views available, for options so as to prevent creepy forced to sit beside each other vibes, whilst subtly encouraging it. What the hell is he doing. 

 

Steve comes down first customary greetings are exchanged, and he follows the plan thank goodness, not that anyone but James has planned this out but Mr. And Mrs. Jarvis are out tonight and it is very rare that they can use the smaller cosy room rather than the big cinema room. The situation may not happen again for months if not longer. 

Next is Peggy who sits on the cuddle pile couch which is good she and Steve start talking which is a blessing because as much as James enjoys talking to Steve now is not the time, he needs all his concentration to prepare himself for this plan. More emotionally than physically at this point but still the fact remains. 

Now is the hard part who ever comes in next could ruin the whole thing but nope his two loose cannons make their way in together and sit down beside Peggy on the cuddle couch. 

Perfect everything has gone exactly to plan and that is the door, stay calm this is totally casual. Just two buddys siting on a sofa together, pals, amigos, maybe he shouldn’t look at the door as it opens. Or would that be ru- 

Oh fuck, that is what beauty looks like, if James were to explain the concept of beautiful to aliens he’d get the footage of this moment and show them. 

And oh what! That is a head in his lap, beautiful blond hair spilling across his knees “you gonna start the movie Rhodes, or are you waiting for an invitation” Tony snickers behind a hand full of popcorn, while he stutters out a yes and grabs the remote “I think Rhodey was just waiting for you to get comfortable carol” tony rescues and maybe he doesn’t have to kill his best friend after all. He's a pretty great kid when he wants to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i get you? did you think it was buck?? hehe hope you liked x


	13. A mano E oso

James doesn’t normally come into Tony’s room and he certainly doesn’t go into Tony’s room without tony he may have a crush on the guy but come on privacy! He ain’t going around disrespecting the privacy of the guy he’s hoping will become his fella one day. 

Problem is Edwin fell the other day and twisted his ankle, so everybody is helping out, except Tony who is fretting himself all the way back from tokyo. So, James has been tasked with putting everyone’s laundry away. He did himself and Stevie’s first cause well they’re closest to the delivery hatch for the laundry service. (which is still insane to him what the hell happened to soap and water) then it was Peggy and the Jarvis’s who all had few enough that he could carry them at the same time. Granted a normal person woulda needed more trips but hey hydras good for something.

But now... now it’s Tony eight suits Bucky’s hasn’t owned that many suits in his entire life and Tony goes though that many in one load of laundry there’s a bunch of band t-shirts and random patterns he doesn’t understand but thinks that they look awful swell on tony. And well unmentionables not that bucky looked but damn that’s a lot of silk. But he’s not bein’ weird about it he just noticed super solider senses or something.

The doors open so it’s not that weird and it’s not like Tony ever uses his room it’s just a bed and a closet only personal item bucky’s ever noticed are the photographs on the wall. So he’s only a little antsy at his feet sink into the plush carpeting besides he’s just gonna hang the suits set the clothes package on the bed and high tail it outta there. And that’s just what he does except there’s something in tony’s bed under the cover and what if it’s dangerous, nothing should be able to get past tony’s security but still... bucky gingerly lift’s back the covers to discover that tony has a teddy bear in his bed the tension ebbs from his lungs. Question is what the hell is it wearing and why does it look so familiar, not wanting to be any creepier James makes a tactical retreat.

 

Unfortunately his mind keeps wandering back to the bear and not just because of how cute the damn thing was, especially when he imagined tony wrapping himself around it. A few day’s later he’s walking round a vintage shop, something his therapist recommended to help him place all his memories in chronological order, and he sees it a vintage captain America comic with what’s supposed to be him in the exact same uniform that the bear was wearing. So, bucky follows the advice he’s given Steve over and over since awaking up in a century he doesn’t understand, he googles it. The search results for captain America teddy bear are insane and Bucky briefly takes a moment to appreciate the look on Stevies face when he finds out how many kids he’s gotta be protecting from bad dreams. Still he needs an answer so he searches his own name and sure enough twenty years ago the comic series was apparently pretty popular, popular enough to warrant merchandising one of the items was a very limited edition sergeant Barnes bear. Which is weird cause it doesn’t seem like that sort of thing Tony would buy vintage as he normally prefers band merchandise and he doesn’t own anything else captain America related. Bucky resolved to put his recon skills back into practice starting with a time line, what came first in Tony’s life him or the bear?

His search for answers takes him to family photo albums filled with professional portraits and press photos that make him wanna bring Howard Stark back from the dead so he can kick that smarmy asshole in the dick. He then tries with the Jarvis’s here he finds the sort of photos that a family should take of their son Tony’s graduation photos loving candids of ana and tony in the kitchen, and right there a faded photo of Peggy carter with a goofily smiling tony and a bear almost half his size on her lap the discription reads “Anthony 2nd birthday with Margret” in Jarvis’s neat caligraphy tacked on in much messier handwriting reads “and bucky” obviously written by tony at some point and that means tony’s kept this bear for 17 years. Suddenly bucky recalls sitting outside tony’s bedroom on one of the worst nights of his life and he realises, Tony wasn’t talking to him he was talking to Bucky the teddy bear. 

 

This makes twice he’s cried because of that night because all he’s wished since that night is that he could have been there for tony in some small way and now he sees it he was sorta, tony’s been pouring his heart out to a teddy bear that bears his name for years. He's never been more grateful for an inanimate objects existence in his whole life.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this is my first attempt at winteriron so please bear with me. i would very much appreciate advice and encouragement. love liz <3
> 
> dedictated to gothic lolita for inspiring me to give this a go.


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